I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
