just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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