I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
