Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
