He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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