i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
