My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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