Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
