This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
