How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
