if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize
