I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
