after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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