I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
