He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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