I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
