2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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