when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
then he tried to convert me to islam
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
