New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
