I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
