Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
