Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i will never coherently bang her
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
