The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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