I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
