dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
