thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
