your parents love me but you hate me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
