I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
