Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my shit smells like andre
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
