Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
it's like heaven, but drunker
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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