You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
