I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
