i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
