She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
