after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
