I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
