I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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