I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
