we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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