Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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