anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
