How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
