I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
