I wannas sexs uuuuu
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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