Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
