I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
