Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
