That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
