why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
