She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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